Then You Do
A knock on the door interrupted the conversation. It was unexpected. Who would come to visit this early in the morning? I glanced at the clock. It was 4:48 AM. We had been in this conversation far longer than I expected and I felt lonelier with every word. I wouldn't really like to have a guest right now. Still, I went to the door to ask about who came.
"Hello, who is there?"
I couldn't hear anything. It made me nervous but I decided to open the door. There was no one except me. Just to check it out I quietly yelled:
"Hey?"
After half a second I heard the echo of my voice. Then I closed the door. I was drafting a conversation for my new stage play. My stage play was about two people waiting for someone who never comes but with a twist. They were waiting for each other. Both of them were so different from the selves they were performing that neither could recognize the other. Still, they chatted about time, the weather and when the one they awaited might arrive, though none ever would. Which never comes. I was about to write a pun but I forgot when I heard someone at the door. I wish I could remember...
Oh, right. It was about how they were joking about the memory and intelligence of a fish. They were making a joke about how the goldfish couldn't even remember his parents if he saw someone else in the road. I'm pretty lucky to remember that. There I wrote it, in that paper. It's pretty overwhelming to think of a joke in the morning.
Wait, what smell is that? Oh it smells like some good caffeine. I wish I could have a cup of coffee right now. As I was thinking, I went to kitchen to brew some guarana extract but something surprised me. There was already a cup of my favorite coffee waiting. Am I hallucinating? Is this cup real? Or is it just a thought I’ve been fed? As I grabbed the coffee cup, I felt the immense warmth. It was smelling sharp and tasty, very brown with some little bubbles at the surface. It's heat was warming my hand. I took a small sip, delicious but scalding, so I dropped the cup into the trash bin. The sound of the porcelain made me realize that I was not dreaming nor hallucinating. Just as I saw the sticky note in my fridge, it read "Then you do.". Maybe I am too sleepy for this, I don't know.
Instead of thinking about all that happened, I glanced once more at the work on my table. While walking to my bedroom, I felt like I saw a silhouette in the darkness of my bathroom, It felt as though something was watching not just me but the fact that I existed. In that moment I understood that I really need to sleep because I was starting to see some things that could never exist. After that I went to my bed to have some rest. I was tired but almost unable to sleep. As I slowly lay down, coldness of the bed slowly relaxed my tension. I pulled the quilt over me to sleep in peace. My eyes felt heavier as I slowly watched the darkness of my bedroom. I was thinking about the conversation as I my eyes were about to close but...
Whoa, there was a great road. A road like I've never seen before. It was similar somehow but I have never been here. Sun is really hot today but how did I come here?
"Are you Lector?"
It was a similar voice but the sun was making shadow off of his cap which made his face unrecognizable.
"Who, me?"
"Yeah, you."
"No, not really."
"Who are you then?"
"Legi."
"How is that so?"
"Is there something wrong about it?"
"Yes."
"What is it?"
"It is just a very long day for me, like the time never passes."
"I said, what is it?"
"I was told to meet with someone here."
"And?"
"His name is not Legi."
"What is it then?"
"Lector, I just told you that."
"Oh, right."
"You're like a goldfish."
"Just because I couldn't remember a name?"
"Yeah."
"You are a very joking person aren't you?"
"Do you remember your parents name?"
"Only a goldfish could forget it, you weirdo."
"Then you do."
Just at this moment, everything went black. All voices were gone, I was seeing the blackest black but it slowly gave its place to some colors. I felt some pressure in my eyes. Then I rubbed my eyes as I opened them. I was at my room, in my bed but sun was up and filling my room. I realized that I need to use the bathroom really quick. I pulled off the quilt that was laid upon me and went to the bathroom with slow steps. There I relieved and cleaned myself but I was almost smelling, I could see how my hair was hanging in front of my eyes like a complete mess. With a sudden decision I got completely naked and washed myself with my soap. The bathroom was my most comforting place ever. Then I rinsed my skin and wore my bathrobe to dry my hair and skin. Like a new born baby, I was relaxed and vulnerable than ever. As I did it I realized something strange. I could still see the coffee cup in the kitchen. This landscape of my kitchen came to me very unnatural but I didn't mind it too much.
Until I looked at the mirror.
Did I forget my own face?
The reflection of the glass wasn't me. I wasn't in the reflection. It wasn't me.
I wasn’t. I waited. Just a few seconds. Just breath.
The silhouette in the glass wasn't following my actions. The mirror wasn't reflecting me. The silhouette was unrecognizable. Its face never settled, it was fluid. Wrong.
I fled from the bathroom like a child, hit my knee to the table as I was mindlessly running.
It got worse.
My work wasn’t erased. It was… added to. There it was, the continuation of the pun. Only one sentence, maybe a joke I told myself that I don't write, saying "Then you do.". It crossed my mind but I found it rather simple and stupid. I decided not to add. I didn't add. My hands trembled, mouth dry, limbs powerless. My eyes started to burn as I kept thinking;
Am I being watched?
Is my mind being read right now?
Tears started to fall from my cheeks in fear. I had to check the mirror. I slowly went back to the bathroom. The silhouette in the mirror was still watching me. It didn't really have a single face but many. None of those faces were something I feel similar.
In that moment, the thought of continuing felt more foreign than death. Yet, I went back to my bed. I sat on my bed.
"Am I being watched? Does anyone see me?"
This didn't work, no one answered. What if it is actually my consciousness?
What if they see everything I think and feel? I must test it.
"I really hate coffee."
I went back to the kitchen. The cup was still there, so it is not because I think out loud. I realized it too late. My eardrums crushed by silence.
I tried to scream but it felt as I had no mouth.
Something is,
very,
close,
to me.
I went back to the bathroom, the silhouette is still there, behind the glass.
If anyone hears me,
Please tell them I am real.
I am just like you, I am living, I am breathing.
Please help me.
I don't want to live in oblivion.
I don't want to die.
Please have mercy on me, please, just answer.
After all this begging, I feel desperate. I am still here and nothing changed around me, I heard nothing more than their silence. Silhouette is watching me from the mirror.
Maybe all of this is just a paranoia. Maybe I am just schizophrenic right? I shouldn't mind those. I must sleep, it makes me feel better.
So I walked back to my bedroom. Slowly laid on the bed while pulling my quilt but something poked me. My pillow poked me. How could this happen? I instantly threw my pillow to a wall but when I looked back at where the pillow was. I understood what poked me.
It was a gun. I laughed at it, I don't know why.
"I never prayed for this."
My curiosity took over me. My hand slowly reached to the cold metal of the gun, I slowly took it and checked for the bullets. There was only one.
"Is this a joke? The divine comedy?"
I decided to not let my fate end me. I had to avenge. An intense feeling for a vengeance rushed onto me.
I wouldn’t let anyone steal my fate.
Not even my existence.
There I walked back to bathroom with quick steps and the silhouette was there.
I was here.
One of us had to end,
I gripped the gun. Pointed it at the mirror. My finger trembled on the trigger in awe and terror.
For the first time, we looked into each other’s eyes.
There I knew,
One of us won't walk away from this glass.
As if with my final breath, I whispered:
"Then you do."
I pulled-
